I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.