is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
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Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
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Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.