I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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