True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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