shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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