Soap is not a condiment
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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