fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
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All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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