i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
