got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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