HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Randomize
