He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
