I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
