I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
