and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
