Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
