The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
this just has baby written all over it
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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