best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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