i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
