im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
