I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
