ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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