What did we do last night that was yellow?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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