I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize