I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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