What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
