U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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