Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
And then he peed in my hair
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