I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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