Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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