i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Found the puke drawer
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
