i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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