Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
