So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
