So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
