bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
