look no pants
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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