the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we're making bets on your personal life
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
