Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
