I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
