you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
