Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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