Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He felt like a one man threesome
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
