So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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