remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
