I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
