in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
