dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
