I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Floor bacon is actually really good
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
