Tell her she can't have a vagina
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
