I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
