im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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