You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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