I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
