I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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