This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
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She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
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are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize