Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
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she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
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For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
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