blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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