and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
