4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
