Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
